happy friday!
apparently the fullest moon will be tonight. gonna go take a look here when i am done.
and since it's the FULLEST moon does this mean the REALLY crazy things will happen?
i think it might.
about a year ago, i was wishing i had a guy to go to concerts with. not to date but just for company. i love going to concerts and with most of my friends not having as much flexibility as i do...and dont really caring for the kind of music i do... did the only thing i could think of. i placed a personal ad. stating honestly that i just wanted someone that could catch a show or two with. pretty simple.
there was one man that responded that is the only one i remember. i never met him. we talked online a few times and one night he called me on skype. what he was looking for that night was nothing i was willing to give. when i explained that, he got very upset with me and said i was selfish.
selfish.
wow. i mean, that is a harsh word. it honestly made me stop and think as to if there was truth to it. i didnt talk to him again. and i realized he was upset i wouldnt do what he had asked and that made me selfish in his eyes. in my eyes, pushing me to do something i am morally against is considerably disrespectful.
about 11 months later. (in spongebob voice)
i was walkin today to get my massage and see a coffee truck pull and stop in front of my house. since i've lived at my place, i havent really gone walking outside thanks to all the white stuff. figured i had a neighbor that REALLY loves coffee. im chatting with a future client on the phone (sorry sarah!) and this man out of the van and up to me ....
"hey" rashid
"me? can i help you?" me
"i just had to stop the car and introduce myself to you" rashid
"um, ok? do i know you?" me
"yeah, we used to talk on skype and online. my brother has dreadlocks." rashid
LIGHTBULB
"rashid? ah, yes, you called me selfish. so why did you want to say hi to me then?" me
"can we look past that and start fresh" rashid
"if i said no would you say im bein selfish?" me (im too sarcastic sometimes.)
"i stopped the car to see you. that has to count for something." rashid
i gave him a hug.
it then dawns on me he is in front of MY HOUSE!!??
"what are you doing in front of my house?" me
"i deliver coffee to (and he names the places but im not gonna) several businesses on your street. i saw you come out and i knew i had to stop and say hi." rashid
"well, it was nice to meet you. im not sure your intentions for stopping but this whole thing has flattered me. thank you for making me smile." me
and i walked to get my massage.
i have NEVER EVER had something like this happen to me. i am flattered but definitely not even remotely interested.
guess i was looking remarkable today or something.
just a little too funny to NOT share.
hey :)
sorry its been a few weeks. its been crazy here! all good ways too. ready?
noah had winter break the end of february so we decided to ditch the 120+ inches of white stuff and head for blue skies and yellow suns. we stopped in richmond as i owed my friend frank some of my homemade mac and cheese (for the record...it wasnt my best batch sadly enough. i owe him a better one in april. but he didnt notice. he LOVED it.) and to meet up with james. while we were at james's house, we put in human hair extensions for my son's first set of dreadlocks.
it was nice getting to spend the time together. we then proceeded to check out the area we are moving to (T-3 months 29 days) and found the area to really have what we want. and the ymca complex is so HUGE! we are going to really enjoy going there often.
we then drove to see the burgess family and to pic up our new pup. his name is diego burgess martin and was taken un via the burgess family to the humane society. i must say, mona, from stokes county is just truly a beautiful woman. she helps us get everything taken care of so we just had to pick him up. it is always nice getting to spend time with the burgess family. all the love and hugs and kisses and snuggles and laughs...its just wonderful. if we could bottle their love and share it...
check out the little stinker!
after spending so many days away, i just really wanted my bed. homeward bound is ALWAYS the worst trip. especially knowing the weather we were going to be blowing into. i decided i wanted to make one last stop on the way home.
i have met someone thanks to dreadheadhq and this blog. she is so amazing. i was only 1 hour from her and KNEW i just wanted to meet her and spend some time with her. unfortunately i had a long drive so we only got to spend 1.5 hours. she is just as amazing in person as she is online. (here's her blog if you are interested. )
we got to the ny border and BAM. snow. i kinda cried the rest of the way home. the trip was wonderful. i got to meet some incredible people and know that the most amazing connections were made.
AND ITS THE LAST TIME I MAKE THAT DRIVE IN THE SNOW!!!
i will be making the treck again in 7 weeks for and am really excited. that will be the last time i make the trip back to ny to get to our house! that makes me very happy.
i feel totally refreshed and have an immense sense of peace as i know i am doing what god is asking of me. and it is causing me to have to put how I want to do things aside. what i think is amazing? his plan blows my ideas out of the water.
while on vacation i got several calls from fans of jason castro. i finally called jonny and talked to him about offering him a sponsorship or something. i started the phone calls monday. left another one today. wonder how long it will take to get ahold of him?
THEN just a few hours later, i was doing the live chat and someone messaged me about doing her dreadlocks! ok so im excited that someone is going to be driving 6 hours to have me work on their locs ONE WAY! yeah, pretty excited for that! well, then she asks if she can do a piece of knotted by knature for high times magazine! now talk about AMAZING! it will be on their website!!!
these next few months are going to be crazy, i am nervous and excited! there is so much to do to pack up two households to combine to one and get a place that will suit as many of our needs as possible within our budget. for the record, yes james is moving with us which makes me uber stoked and noah really likes him too. but let me set the record straight...we are just friends. we are moving at snails pace. and i must say, it is so nice getting to know someone so deeply. and for those of you that know me...i dont usually take much time ever. i go where my heart/head tell me. this time, im doing it how it should be done. and its pretty awesome. i am not sure exactly how to register a child in a new state for school ... although honestly we are talkin about homeschooling.
i am interested to see what will come of the interview and tryin to get jason castro. the more i am following god, the more he is connecting me in ways i would have NEVER imagined. and sharing the trip with noah and james makes it even more awesome. it seems more and more amazing people are coming into my life at the correct times.
well, ok. so now onto the next exciting adventure :) suggest my blog to people! wonder how long it will take before jason castro catches wind of this?
peace, love and locs
ps...don't know who he is? here's his song that is all over klove :)
guess this song is kinda fitting for this blog eh? wow. see? this is what i am talkin about!
i am due to blog but everything going on around me is making it more difficult for me to get my feelings into words.
this past week my son celebrated his 11th birthday. gosh, every year i feel a bit more old. i surprised him with having the woodside's and tyler's over to celebrate. made his favorite mac and cheese and had a peanut butter/chocolate cake. it was a very nice time :)
things have been a little crazy here as god and i have been spending a LOT of time together and learning more about eachother. well, i am learning more about him. he kinda already knows me. and he knows the desires of my heart...even if sometimes they change often. for the most part what i have wanted has remained consistent.
for of those of you that KNOW my story, sorry for repeating myself. for those of you that DONT....here ya go.
i mentioned in previous posts that i had to live in a nursing home and was in a wheelchair. it was horribly difficult for me. i only saw my son twice during that time frame and was emotionally not able to handle it easily. to say i was broken is a gross understatement.
i can admit to honestly losing my faith for awhile. pastor bj would come visit weekly...sometimes a few times a week. i had other visitors also which really encouraged me. but what i was needing was something from GOD promising me i would be ok.
my absolute favorite story in the Bible is that of noah. (hence noah's name.) the part i love about the story is that they used a white dove to scope out the situation. and that white dove brought back an olive branch. that olive branch was the sigh noah was looking for.
well, i asked god for my olive branch and got it in spades. here is the song that i wrote about the situation....i hope you love it.
god continues to bless me and has me on this majorly intense journey right now. when i can share more i will. i am practicing using my filter. and it kinda is making me more antsy. but the more antsy i get, the more i pray :)
my dreadlocks turned 14 months old on babe ruth's 116th birthday, bob marley's 66th birthday, the day my pastor announced he was being reappointed and a friend was being appointed ds AND superbowl sunday. oh yeah, and the song above debuted! it was a highly emotional day for me.
for those following my countdown...we're at t minus 10 days. good lord.
the days are getting longer which means winter is almost over...although in syracuse that means about may...haha.
in my mind i'm goin to........
Definition of BUTTERFLY
1
: any of numerous slender-bodied diurnal lepidopteran insects including one superfamily (Papilionoidea) with broad often brightly colored wings and usually another superfamily comprising the skippers
2
: something that resembles or suggests a butterfly; especially : a person chiefly occupied with the pursuit of pleasure
3
: a swimming stroke executed in a prone position by moving both arms in a circular motion while kicking both legs up and down
4
plural : a feeling of hollowness or queasiness caused especially by emotional or nervous tension or anxious anticipation
5
: a defensive move by a goalie in ice hockey executed by dropping to the knees while spreading the lower legs outward
(thankyou )
i have seen many #1, im not sure i truly understand #2, #3 i was never good at, #4 BINGO! I SAY BINGO! #5...who cares, its not about baseball. (lol)
i am 33 years old. i feel that i am loving and kind. i speak my mind...to the chagrin of some. i don't really have a filter. i'm not sure if the marshmellow man would be the first thing i thought of...harrison ford would probably be what was conjured. i am giving almost to a fault. i am not the best housekeeper and definitely not made to do dishes (yuck). i don't believe i was ever told "wow, you are the best at that". i was a solid B student in school...except for music and gym. my two favorite classes. straight 100's. i have the ability to think outside the box. i never really was a good follower. i never really was part of a clique. i could transcend barriers classmates put up...and still can today as an adult. most that meets me tell me about themselves completely within 30 min of meeting me. and 9 times outta 10 i share too. why not? honesty is always the best policy. i am not the prettiest or ugliest. i am not the skinniest nor the fattest. im not the tallest for being female nor am i the shortest. i am not poor although i am by no means rich where money is concerned.
in L<3VE....
I'M WEALTHIER THAN CARLOS SLIM HELU!
i truly believe i have been in love once. however in doing a bit of research for this blog...i am realizing i really wasn't.
"love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love oes not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails." 1 corinthians 13:4-8a
honestly, i'm just SOOOOOOOOO glad that i have relationships with people that are THIS VERY WAY!
before i proceed with the though, i have to apologize that i haven't blogged in 2 weeks. my mind has been very preoccupied. it's taken me this long to get my thoughts into a neat circle. and again, i realize this isn't necessarily dreadlock related...but at the same time it really is.
i have dated plenty of men and have had my share of heartbreak. i am not sure i ever broke anyone's heart...was never told i had anyways.
see? i mean i seriously fly in the middle of all the radars except one. i am statistically very average. thank goodness i prefer to break stats.
the other night i was in a very fun conversation with a friend. we had been talking for about 45 minutes or so and i felt all of the sudden like i was going to puke. seeing as how we could see eachother, i knew i was busted. i would have to explain that i suddenly got sick to my stomach and had no idea why. i mean, it shocked my system so hard that i just needed a moment....4 minutes worth to be exact. i got really red and hot and just though whatever was in my stomach was surely gonna ruin my laptop...and someone else will see it happen.
after i regained composure...i still don't think i was 100% tuned into the conversation. i don't remember much of the rest of it anyways. not in the charlie brown way...but in a dream-like fashion.
i slept so terribly that night. my mind was racing. i never did throw up. and i felt totally fine.
except my heart was on FIRE. relax, not a literal fire. the warmth that was radiating out of that heart...gosh, i had to kick off my blankets.
i started thinking about my kid turning 11 in a few days and what needed to get done to pull off a birthday party. i started thinking about how much he's grown and learned. started reflecting on being pregnant with him.
it was like percy jackson threw the lightening bolt at me.
it was butterflies.
i DIDN'T have to get sick. i got BUTTERFLIES in my stomach! ahhhhhhahahahahahha!
for the first time in my entire life...a man gave me butterflies. (shoot in typin this i am getting them again! lol!!!!!)
(please note 5 min have passed)
ok, im composed now. sorry.
i have had this feeling before...and i always KNEW it to be a god thing. kinda like a v8 smack to the head...and much more loving and enjoyable. when i am prayin for guidance or wisdom and it hits me, i get this feeling. many of my prayers were answered from this feeling.
for the record i am SERIOUSLY experiencing #4.
thank you friends and family for loving me <3 we should share this love with everyone.
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. " ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe
many thanks to carrie for posting this quote as it is exactly what i am going to blog about. again, this may NOT be very dreadlock related but i feel i need to share.
in 2003 when i first broke my spine, i was faced with the possibility of spike (dr. montgomery) messing up and paralyzing me or anesthesia killing me. regular old consequences for being under the knife i suppose. but i had a 3 year old child. if anything happened to me, what would happen to him?
before i go any further, i need to qualify a few things. my birth mother (tish) and i are not close...never really have been. we had tried being in a few activities together but never were able to bridge the gap. i was always closer with my dad (jeff). to be honest, when i met my step mom (jennie)...i felt such a closeness to her and share with her as a mother / daughter should. in my eyes, SHE is my mother. i am not writing this blog to air dirty laundry or to mame tish's reputation. that is the LAST thing i would want to do. i am feeling compelled to share this story because it shows how truth and love are the only way.
without any other real viable options, tish got joint custody under the premise that when i am better or got married she would relinquish the rights.
i should have known this would end bad. i mean, it usually does with her and i. not because of any other reason than lies.
i should also preface this by stating my entire life, tish has always told me i am a dishonest person. even to the point of my needing to give her a copy of a job contract because she swore i was lying about vacation time / pay etc. and even with the black and white copies in her hand, she still swore i was being dishonest. if i told her the sky is blue...she would go look and still not believe me. it's just how she is. i am not tryin to bash her. that is the opposite of my intent.
when i started dating marshawn and we decided maybe getting married and him adopting noah was gonna be the way to go. i proposed this to her to prepare her for the giving up the joint custody thing...and she didn't really like. due to several series of unfortunate events, i never did marry marshawn and he didn't adopt noah. i did learn some valuable life lessons and realized that no matter WHAT i did, the approval from tish would never come so why keep trying? it was just stressing me out to the point of spending time with the porcelain goddess. rather unhealthy for sure.
it was a year into my relationship with marshawn that i realized there was really only pleasing God. and so that is what i sat out to do. i started helping lead worship at my church, started reading my Bible on a more even pace and decided to just live my life.
noah was a little heavier than most kids from about 7-9. he had some weird awkward stage and had put on a few extra pounds and really wasn't that active as i was still dealing with some spine issues and cancer. my ex would run him to the playground (well he wasnt an ex at the time), basketball and soccer. noah shed quite a few lbs and when he would come home from visiting his grandmother, he would be bummed. she would tell him that he is fat, needs to loose weight, start being more careful or will become diabetic etc. i mean, it seriously freaked the kid out.
there were other things she would pick at him about. "tell your mom this" or "if your mom doesnt _____ then your life will be terrible". stuff a 8 year old boy should NEVER have to deal with.
when noah started his 4th grade year, we were in a new house in a new neighborhood in a new school district. the house was perfect for us. we invited her over for dinner so she could see where we were living. to this day, she has NEVER been there. we invited her and her husband over for dinner for thanksgiving to which they refused. christmas they wanted to take noah to vegas to visit my brother. my brother didn't want them visiting as he had plans. knowing my brother wasn't in a place for visitors AND noah stating he didn't want to spend christmas AND new years without me, we didn't see them at christmas either. in january, tish then tried to see noah...who at this point is completely fed up with his grandmother's actions and said he was done. after much talkin with those close to me, i decided it was now or never to get the custody thing taken care of.
so i did it. i went down, filed papers and a whirlwind of nonsense started. to say i felt as my back was in a corner would be an understatement. to say that i was getting crap from people and hearing the lies being told about me...i mean, i had quite the crushed spirit. thankfully those that love me the most encouraged me in ways i will NEVER be able to repay or thank them for.
court was terrible. for 70 minutes i had to listen to the one that helped create me and raise me spew words of hatred and lies about me. that day in the courtroom i vowed to hate my mother for the rest of my life. keep in mind, i didn't testify.
a week later, God convicted me of that and i asked Him to forgive me and then i forgave tish.
IT WAS A GREAT MOMENT OF CLARITY!
i continued to live my christian life and the pursuit of God's heart. i continued to care for my son in the same fashion as i always have. i continued to love those around me and just live my life as honestly as possible.
i figured the more honest i lived, the more people would see the truth.
and i was correct.
today in the mail is the judges ruling.
it states
"Now, after examination and inquiry into the facts and circumstances of the case and after hearing the proof and testimony offered in relation thereto, it is ORDERED, that the Respondent mother, Betsy ____, be awarded sole legal and residential custody of the child, Noah ______, with the Respondent father Clint ________ having reasonable parenting time as the parties mutually agree. The Court makes no order of custody or visitation for the Petitioner grandmother Tish _____ and finds this Order to be in the subject child's best interest."
i truly feel that in living a life that is honest and sincere, the lies that people tell about you....well, those they tell to WILL see the truth. for those of you that are trying DAILY to gain the approval of your parents...well, is it working? if NOT, then why are you still trying. i am the owner of a company and help people daily. i am not saying this out of ego...just saying it to point out that no matter what i do / did, the approval wouldn't come. my dad and stepmom (herein referred to as MOM) have been encouraging and loving REGARDLESS of what i do. that is how it should be. my dad tells me how proud of me he is and it warms my heart in ways i cannot express.
i will continue to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God. i will continue to raise my son in the way that i have raised him to date. he is a God fearing, decent, respectful, honest, silly, nerdy, geeky, great on hand drums, brilliant reader, writes great scifi (he's only 10)...my kid is awesome.
so now, onto the next chapter of my life.
the things i learned in this process.
the truth IS (and should be) the ONLY option. stand up for what you believe in. when you fight for what you believe in...good things happen.
i have been truly blessed by (some of) my family and my friends. this journey has been a bit crazy and had some days of serious drama. now it is time for everyone to move forward and heal their heart. i am prayin daily for tish in hopes that she finds happiness with herself and finds peace.
again, i did not post this to brag or anything. everyone has a story that could encourage others. i just wish that those with stories would share them to encourage others. in light of this blog being hard to publish comments to...i did change the settings so you should have easier access to posting...i would appreciate comments to be free of drama and negativity. i am certain tish's heart will be considerably heavier after reading the papers today. i just want healing for the family and no more drama. i am sure in writing this, i will get an email with her "yelling" at me. but truth be told, that's on her.
if you are in a fight to get the rights for your child / children, be honest with the judge / lawyer. do not talk badly of the person you are taking to court in front of your children. they need to be able to make up their mind and in hearing how bad dad or mom is...it will backfire. let kids figure things out based on their own feelings. just because im scared of spiders, doesn't mean my kid needs to be. this world is so negative and full of so much animosity. i mean, i was raised to be the person i am (well, as far as morals go). tish once told someone (i forget who) that when a child becomes 18, it is time for them to examine the relationship. you either remain friends or walk away. pretty telling and shocking eh? a mother's job DOES NOT stop at 18. that i promise you. but the job alters a bit. i love more than anything that i have mom (jennie). i can tell her anything at anytime. whether it's how to deal with a boy starting puberty or relationships or god or anything. it doesn't matter. just because i am adult doesn't mean i don't need a mom. you either! we ALWAYS need our mothers / fathers. i have a friend that has been divorced for several years. the father honestly believes that kids adjust just fine and have no consequence from being from a split household. coming from one, i can tell you, that is NOT correct. we need both parents. if your marriage didn't work, well, then you do everything you can to be friendly to the other parent, be honest with your kids and don't forget that THEY are hurting just as much. i have seen (and been part of) doing things to hurt a parent because the other one said to do it. it's just not good.
stand up for yourself, be honest, give to others and LOVE. who would have thought that the words of harriet beecher stowe would ring so true to me?
HAPPY NEW YEAR! I am sitting here realizing that its 2011 and the unlimited potential this year has!
This blog may not necessarily end up about dreadlocks. Just fyi.
I have noticed SO many people posting on fb that they are ALREADY disappointed with 2011. It makes me laugh because the new year changing...it's just another day. I mean it cannot say to itself, "Day, let's do something magnificent.". Nope, that is YOUR choice. If you want to have a better 2011, then what are you willing to give up or learn to make it a better year?
I know people (and I admit to having been one of them) that just couldn't do things without someone else, had to have LOTS of people around to be happy and didn't really appreciate myself enough to enjoy me time. People always tell me I'm the most positive person they've ever met. That makes me wonder why. I mean, it's not THAT hard to tell someone good things about themselves or encourage others to be better or to just avoid negativity.
I did a serious inventory of my life after my relationship ended with Marshawn. I was a mess. Given, it was an abusive relationship...still, I KNEW I was gonna need some time to get back to the Betsy I was. Then a lightbulb went off. Why do I have to be the same old Betsy? I mean, if I'm gonna change, why not change all of me? Who said I had to stay how I was? And who said that I had to have all the same friends? The friends of mine that caused drama, turmoil, stress, headaches in my life...well, I've said goodbye and thank you to all of them. I used to watch Young and the Restless daily. I even would dvr it. It was something I shared with late Grandpa Art. After he passed, Grandma Ellie and I kept asking ourselves, "It's the same story line recycled, why do we watch this show?". Well, I decided that it was too much garbage in. No one on that show portrays a healthy relationship, everyone is OVERLY demented and its always someone else sleeping with someone else's husband. It's just plain garbage. I stopped watching it. Family members (this one has proven to be a bit more tricky but I am doing it.) were in the same boat. Some people in the family NEVER respond to anything yet they expect you to be there for Christmas so they can give the appearance of being better or more loved. And then the promise to keep in touch...it lasts for about a few weeks and then you are back trying to have a relationship with family. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. But why should I sit there and ware myself out for no good reason? I have had several family members reach out this last year and honestly, it has been wonderful. Mainly thanks to fb where you cannot HELP but be connected.
But any relationship is better than none....right?
WRONG!
I would rather be alone (although I am never really alone as I have God!) than have friends/family that tear me down, are negative to me or take advantage of my HUGE heart.
So how can YOU make the switch from an unhealthy life to one that has great meaning and purpose? Well, God. He's the main constant in my life. Without Him, I am nothing. For those of you that aren't into the whole God thing ... there are still things you can do to help yourself out!
Take a hard look at your life and who you surround yourself with. I know someone that I thought I was friends with until yesterday. Her comment was something like "i keep people at a distance and don't let them get close so I cannot get hurt.". YIKES! So am I not considered a friend even though every time we are online together we talk, we talk at church, birthday parties etc. I would be so sad if I didn't have my close friends. I rely on them as much as they rely on me. It doesn't take much to re-evaluate your friendships. It's what to do when you have identified the bad apples.
How did I do it? I started slowly. Those that kept calling and asking for a favor, the answer turned into NO. When they finally had been turned down several times, they asked why. When my response is that I felt like they were taking advantage of me it caused a small pause. Some hung up on me never to be heard from again, some apologized and said they would try better (And some of them actually followed through with that!). It was hard to grieve friendships that were years old. But I would rejoice in the fact that I would have less drama.
Another HUGE change I made....I have a rather bad potty mouth. I admit it. It can be so bad sometimes. One of my FAVORITE kids in the world's favorite song is "give you hell". When I asked him why, he said "because I can say HELL and mom won't get mad". It made me do some thinking about what we put into our kids. (i'm not saying that parent is a bad parent. she's one of my closest friends. just using this one statement to prove a point.) I stopped listening to mainstream radio. I was sick of everything being overtly sexual and sneaky. What 10 year old REALLY knows the meaning of "i wanna lick your candy stick"? (sorry for those that offends) But let's get real for a moment. If they hear it, sing it and figure out the meaning...are they to think that the behavior is ok for their age? This past New Year's Eve bash in NC someone had their ipod on shuffle. I mean, some REALLY great songs came out. Bad Bad Leroy Brown, Touch of Grey, Bohemian Rhapsody...just to name a few. There were a few tweenagers and they were singing and dancing and it was fun....then I realized my son didn't know most of the tunes that were being played. (luckily he DID know bohemian rhapsody....it would be an epic fail as a parent if he was THAT clueless.) And I felt sad for a moment because he couldn't enjoy it like we were...then I realized I was thankful. Not that music is evil or whatever. But if you sing and sing and sing it...it becomes more acceptable and then other artists / lyricists can take the boundary further...at first, there is shock....then over time it's more acceptable. I keep pandora on the John Denver station or listen to Klove in the car. Honestly, hearing my son sing Robin Mark or Paul Baloche or Audio A....just makes my heart happy.
To bring this into the dreadlock world for a moment. I used Dreadheadhq products in my hair to get locs that I am BEYOND in love with! There are people out there that scare others into thinking products will ruin your locs or tell you synthetic dreadlocks are fake. Come on. There aren't THAT many folks with dreadlocks. Give up the bickering and just LOVE and accept each other. Your dreadlocks aren't any better than mine due to the method you used. They are still just dreadlocks. To some it's a spiritual journey, for some it's just a hair style. Either way, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. Don't use product because there is SLS or SLES...it causes CANCER. well, let's get real for a moment. Almost everyone washes their hair with shampoo. FACT. Most every shampoo has SLS or SLES. FACT. How many cases of skin cancer from the scalp are there? Don't have an answer? Neither do I. WHY? Because the minute traces of SLS or SLES in shampoo isn't enough to cause cancer. You can get it from EVERYTHING. Cancer is an unhealthy cell. People are quick to go to McDonalds or Sonic (Etc) for a quick meal. Those meals are (although sometimes they taste good) BAD for you. A poor diet doesn't produce healthy cells...and therefore you get cancer. So can I make the deduction McDonald's gives you cancer? I guess if you are following the SLS-SLES mindset...the answer is yes. Drop the stigma and just LOVE your fellow dreadhead.
For those of you on this journey with me, thank you. It means a lot to me to have such amazing people in my life. I promise to encourage you, push you to be better and to simply love you unconditionally. That is just how I am.
If the rest of the world took the time to re-evaluate their life and to put more positive practices into play, then complaining 4 days into a fresh start wouldn't be happening. I CHOOSE HAPPINESS and POSITIVE thinking...as opposed to the other.
Care to join me in this new adventure?
Peace LOVE and locs,
(the new and improved)
BETSEH
This is a MUST READ if you have dreadlocks or debating dreadlocks.
I received a call from a man (we'll call him Bob) in California that has dreadlocks that are 18 YEARS old. I mean honestly, that is nuts! He said he's frustrated because he has to wash his dreadlocks every day.
EVERYDAY?!?! is that what I have to look forward to? If so I need to rethink this journey! Not that I am opposed to washing that often...but the drying time HAS to be forever. I digress...
So I start questioning him as I do anyone that has dreadlocks. He then announces that for 18 years, he's used Dr. Bronners and Neutrogena.
Problem solved.
Why? Well, for one simple fact.
THEY SUPERFAT THEIR SOAP.
What exactly is superfat and WHY is it bad? Buckle your belts...
When companies / people make soap, sometimes they add extra oils so that you, the consumer, get a more moisture rich soap. The extra oils don't have the ability to mix with the lye and saponify. In theory, do your skin, should be ok. In fact if you have dry skin, it is pretty nice. But for dreadlocks? Not so good.
According to http://www.suite101.com/lesson.cfm/17779/1065/2 this is what they say about how to superfat the soap...so this way you can ask the correct questions when attempting to use something handmade.
"There are three ways to superfat your soap:
1. Use oils which have higher percentages of unsaponifiables. Oils such as Avocado oil and Shea Butter contain oils which will not combine with lye and will remain in your soap for a more nourishing bar.
2. Reduce the amount of lye in your soap (also called discounting the lye). This essentially raises the level of oil in your soap above that which is necessary to combine with the lye for saponification. The excess oil will not saponify and will be available in your soap for a more moisturizing bar. Most soapmakers superfat their soap by 5% automatically. Some superfat as high as 8%.
3. Add certain oils at trace. Adding more expensive and highly nutritious oils at trace, after most saponification has taken place, will results in these oils remaining in the soap. Add oils such as cocoa butter and wheatgerm at trace for dry skin bars. For each pound of soap, add about one tablespoon of warmed/melted oil.
Remember, too much oil in your soap could results in a bar that is too soft to use or in excess oil oozing out of your bar (not a pretty sight). Most recipes from books and on the web have already been superfatted at 5%."
Why isn't it so good? (gosh, my science teacher in highschool would be so proud of me...as would my english teacher!) Well, for starters dreadlocks + oil = a hot mess. The oil traps the daily nonsense in the air and environment around us. Then when you wash with a superfatted soap you think you got it out, right? WRONG! All that garbage STAYS IN YOUR DREADLOCKS! Then, when your dreadlocks are dried and you palmroll (because lets face it...a good palmrolling session is pretty darn amazing) you compress all that junk left in your hair. If you don't get your dreadlocks dry in a short time, all that garbage will turn to mold or a murkey brownish discharge that will seep from your dreadlocks. This is EXACTLY what happened with Bob's dreadlocks.
How do you fix this? Well, you really cannot if you have been using these kinds of soaps for years. Once you get to this stage, you have basically ruined your dreadlocks. There ARE things you can do to help remove this mess but it will take more patience and some extra work.
I have suggested that Bob do a deep cleanse. Mix 1 tbsp of Baking Soda to 1 cup of hot water (typically i suggest warm water but let's be honest...there are 18 YEARS of stuff trapped in his dreadlocks! I also typically suggest 1 tsp but again, time to call out the big guns!) into a large bowl / plastic bin / sink....whatever. Then I instructed him to let his locs soak 15 min and then to change the water out and do it again. After 30 min of soaking, I instructed him to take a full cup of room temperature Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar into a gallon pitcher and then fill the rest with warm water (or you can mix it in the same container you used for your bs wash) and soak 3-5 min. Next step, hop in the shower and RINSE RINSE RINSE RINSE well. For Bob, I suggested he do this 1-2 times week to help break as much of this gunk down as possible. I also told him about the Dread Soap by Dreadheadhq.
The other way you can do a deep cleanse is WITH the Dreadheadhq Dread Soap. Add 1/2 cup of Dread Soap to a bucket / bowl / tub of water and scrub. If your locs are not locked, I would suggest doing this with a stocking cap on to help the dreadies during their fragile state.) Then you rinse really well :)
It's been 6-8 weeks since I talked to Bob and I'm hoping no news is good news. Was hoping he would share what the water looked like to prove this point but he DID say he was way too embarassed.
What if your locs are younger and you have been using superfatted soaps short term? Good news! By doing the SAME rinse on yourself you should be able to stop the damage before it's a permanent issue.
Ok, so far, here is a list of soaps that DO say they superfat their soaps and if you have dreadlocks (or are on the fence as to getting them) you SHOULD stay clear away.
Dr. Bronners (all varieties)
Neutrogena (all varities)
Maylee's Garden Vegan Soaps (I haven't yet gotten a clear answer whether or not she does superfat but from the residue that is left from the soap, it makes this a not-so-good choice for locked hair.)
ANY shampoo that claims its moisture - rich or has moisturizer or moisturizing in the name (or in the description)
Other things to consider when looking for a good shampoo. I know, I know all the flavors smell wonderful! However, a smell left behind in hair is really just an oil and that will lead to residue and that will lead to rot. So, here is a VERY simple test to see if a soap leaves a residue.
Ready?
I mean, it IS really simple.
Take the soap you would like to use in your dreadlocks and wash your hands with it. After you wash your hands, smell them. How do they smell? If you smell anything then that soap WILL leave residue. If there is no smell, how does your hand feel? A lot softer/smoother? Then its a 95% chance that soap is superfatted and you should run away.
What can you do with all the extra soaps? Give em to your friends that don't have dreadlocked hair :) I'm sure they would be glad to get some free soap / shampoo. Food pantries LOVE donations so you could check with them and explain why you are donating them. Some will accept the donation, some won't. Cannot find a local food pantry? Find a local United Methodist Church. They tend to have food pantries in them.
There are very VERY few shampoos that are actually residue free. Even if a bottle states that it IS, do your research.
If you are thinking I might be making this up, here is what it says at http://www.drbronner.com/soapmaking_overview.html
"Soaps have been made for millennia. Aside from making fire and cooking food, "saponifying" oil and fat into soap is one of the oldest and simplest chemical reactions known to humankind. In fact, the first soaps were accidentally made by fat dripping into the ashes of cooking fires.
Soap is made by saponifying a fat or oil with an alkali. A fat or oil is a "triglyceride," which means that three fatty acids of various carbon lengths are attached to a glycerine backbone. The alkali is either sodium (for bars) or potassium (for liquids) hydroxide, made by running electricity through salt water."
and here is where they ADMIT to superfatting....
"Unlike most commercial soap-makers who distill the glycerin out of their soaps to sell separately, Dr. Bronner's retains it in their soaps for its superb moisturizing qualities.
We superfat our soaps with organic hemp and jojoba oils for a milder, smoother lather."
...
So now what? Well, the choice is yours. I suggest Dreadheadhq's Dread Soap as it truly IS residue free. It leaves no scent, has no color and is perfectly clear. It lathers well and rinses away very nicely. If you find your scalp is a bit itchy, use less shampoo per wash OR rinse in it cooler water.
The other thing you can do....I did this in the beginning of having dreadlocks. I added some of my bathsalts to the shampoo (a tsp) and then washed them that way. If you do use these bathsalts once a week, that will help keep your dreadlocks clean, healthy AND helps your skin too! (if interested, www.saltedearth.etsy.com)
My friend Violet (www.knottybynature.org) puts Dreadheadhq shampoo and some baking soda into a spray bottle and that helps with the SLS sensitivity. (Violet, please post your recipe for others!)
I hope this blog will help you make smarter decisions on about the care of your dreadlocks. I do recommend washing 2-3 times a week and then doing a monthly deep cleanse just for an extra safe measure.
Until we dread again...
Peace, Love and Locs,
Betseh
